
At work, I am surrounded by people, but I feel so alone. No one really gives a shit about me here. My voice means nothing. I've just taken to becoming a yes man. I do whatever I'm told without question. God forbid I try to explain why something makes me unhappy, because I'm dismissed as being "negative" and "complaining too much." So I don't make suggestions anymore (I am, thankfully, not the only employee who has consigned themselves to accepting the status quo - so at least I know I'm not crazy here). I turn my lights out, close my door, and do my work. I can't even bare to be here sometimes. The solitariness is utterly dispiriting.
I wish I could just leave this place, and go home to a place where I can be in communion. But even at home, I feel alone. I can't even tell you why that is. It seems like an ever-widening gap between me and the whole world. I fall deeper into myself, increasingly feeling the need to erect the walls and keep unsafe humanity at bay. And then I'm left with the myriad voices in my own head: the quiet optimist, the boisterous pessimist, the reserved speaker of good self-esteem, the obnoxious speaker of self-hatred, the "you-can-do-it!" promulgator, the "why-the-hell-bother?" projector. And somewhere in the mix...the voice of God? Or the devil? Or is it all just me? Is it all just the God of my imagination, and the devil of my creation?
I want to not be here... like this... anymore...
I can only hope that this is all for my good. Maybe it's time to go back and visit Lance for a bit.
2 comments:
:'(
I thoroughly agree with the above comment. :'(
It simultaneously breaks my heart and makes me fucking furious to know you are going through this right now.
I love you, brother. Please speak kindly to yourself.
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