Wow. It's hard to believe it's been over four months since my last post. How exactly did my life get so busy? So busy that the thought of banging out a few keys for public consumption felt like dreadful work? Please forgive me, blogging buddies and faithful followers, for abandoning you.
I've abandoned quite a few people lately, actually. I feel like my world has gotten very small. So much so that when J went off to VT a few weeks ago, it took me several days to figure out who I could actually talk to or hang out with. In my bachelor days, whenever I found myself feeling lonely and needing some company, I would always call Diem (pharmacy school days), or Christy. Man...I had some good times with those ladies :D I miss them terribly.
Don't get me wrong. It's not like I don't have friends around here. But what made Diem and Christy so special was that they both knew me so intimately, that I felt free to be my total, miserable, lonely self around them. But it takes so much damn time to establish that kind of intimacy with another human being, and when you're married...you simply don't have that kind of time to invest in other people.
And then of course, there's the typical D.C. busy factor. When I wasn't reverting to my natural, introverted, leave-me-alone-so-I-can-brood-in-peace self, I had to face the fact that some of the people I wanted to hang out with were at events, or with their own significant others, etc.
So I suppose it's been a rough few weeks. And it has seriously fucked with my head. I've had all kinds of amazing, wonderful thoughts and feelings. But I've also entertained some horrifying, ghastly thoughts and been to the Valley of the Shadow of Death a few times. (And NO, that is not a reference to feeling desperately suicidal! It's just my figurative way of talking about going to that scariest part of my psyche that I usually am able to avoid by focusing on work, my husband, church, helping others, and all manner of other "distractions".)
Also, since last I wrote, I've (in some cases we've) managed to:
1.) Employ a late wedding gift given to me by a phenomenal psychologist friend: Relieve Anxiety with Medical Hypnosis... it's actually been very helpful.
2.) Start a new prescription: buspirone (for anxiety as well)
3.) Shave my head
4.) Buy a townhouse
5.) Move into said townhouse within 24 hours of settlement
6.) Drive J up to VT for the summer 48 hours after moving into said townhouse
8.) Start looking into counseling programs I'm going to apply to (so far it's the MS/PhD in Pastoral Counseling at Loyola University Maryland and the PhD in Counseling Psychology at University of Maryland)
And last but not least, I've begun to emerge. I've been making contacts with friends I haven't had a soulful conversation with in months...even years. I kinda forgot how much I missed them. I suppose being alone for a bit doesn't have to be the very worst thing that ever did happen to a person. Not fully anyway. We've still got a long way to go. At some point I'll need to address the myriad mindfucks that have recently accumulated...